time will heal

Everything happen too sudden too quickly. But nobody is ready for bad news. We were never prepared for such news.

My hubs felt pressured by me for giving him an answer.. maybe because we were so ready to have a child and have been trying to conceive for almost a year, and then the test results came in etc.. my goal hasn't change well at least not yet... i was still determine to have a kid.. but i did not realised one thing.. my hubs feelings, he was devastated, and couldn't believe this has happened to him.. he needed time to digest.. and i wasn't making him feeling any better..

After that, i understood, and we went for a break.. to clear our heads.. no more TTC..

one month after next.. my determination of having a kid.. eventually.. made my right side of the brain think too much..

i started thinking of being CHILDFREE. yes, not CHILDLESS, but CHILDFREE! a decision we decide, raising one child will suck your savings dry, if you decide to have 3 kids, you are working everyday just to survive and put food on the table, but if we decide not to have any kids.. we can use that money to travel the world and do anything we want..

I had this calculation.. if you have a kid, you spend your next 30 years working to raise them.. and once they're old enough to build their own nest.. you're too old to see the world or broke to do anything.. But.. if you don't have a kid... the next 30 years, you can travel, you can buy things for yourself etc etc etc... you'll have your own freedom.

i had so many negative thoughts if we decide to have a kid.. after spending all your time and money on them.. once you're old, they might not even want to have anything to do with you, they think you're a burden, they have their own family, they complain and hate you.. urgh..

of course, this was just me, hubs still wanna have kids... but i wasn't sure any more.

A visit to Dr P's office

We were introduced to a very reputable doctor also known as the IVF king in Malaysia located at Damansara Heights.

Called to make an appointment.. Next available date was 1 week later..

Was so excited to see a 2nd opinion.. Anxious, counting the days to the appointment date...

The clinic is very nice and clean and has lots of successful Ivf baby stories and photos.

When it was our turn.. Walked into the office to finally see Dr. P. There's a lady next to him.. Maybe a nurse or assistant? Which I'm not sure why she's there as we are going to share our personal matters.. But I guessed she must be his witness? If anything does go wrong...

Showed him all our results, pap smear, blood test, sperm count.. We didn't have to say anything.. Just showed him and let the papers do the talking..

So he talked about options, and said he wants to do some checks on hubs, (check check and touch touch)  (i think)

option 1, is to do a biopsy on hub's testicle, which is RM3500 to find any sperm available in there.. If yes, he will take it and freeze it, and prepare me for IVF- or in our case it will be ICSI. which cost slightly more than IVF.. think it's almost RM20,000..

Option 2 is to get a sperm donor, we can get an unknown sperm donor from their little sperm bank that they have. They would match it with a fair chinese with same blood type of my hubs. OR someone we know wants to donate some sperm. :P And we can do an IUI which cost about RM2000

Instantly i knew i wanted to pick Option 2, because we practically don't have RM20,000 over PLUS PLUS to try on an ICSI and Biopsy which is not 100% guaranteed ... and will be broke before we have a child.. and raising a kid is never cheap.

1st time consultation at Dr P's was RM100- (park at his building, you get an hour free ticket)

To tell or not to tell??

Should you share your infertility with your friends or family?

We were having a difficult time.. If we should share this news to our family.. It's like a bump in our head for days...

first hubs shared with his brother, first thing he thought was the wife that has issues conceiving ... People never think it's the man always think it's the woman.. And that's because man hardly share and tell the world their problem..

Brother had a hard time believing.. Said our family has strong swimmers! Are you sure?? So from there onwards hubs has someone to confide to.

Next we told his mom, her reaction wasn't something we expected... It seems as though she wasn't surprised at all... Like just -oh-okay-..... And .......

I was upset and disappointed at her reaction.. But hubs said.. Actually what do we expect them to say or do?? Which made me thought about it ... And knew I didn't need to share this with any more people...

At the end of the day... We hurt ourselves more by putting us out there in people's eyes and thoughts.

I did not share the truth with my parents. and I'm glad I made that decision..

Our dreams of having Jrs crushed!

You cannot imagine how we felt after knowing what we know...

He was devastated. Never knew that such things will happen to him. Never thought he is shooting blanks!

He couldn't talk to any of his male friends as we were afraid it turn into a joke for the boys..

I wasn't sure if I should tell any of my friends.. Seriously google has helped me at this stage of our life.. I googled every single thing.. What is azoospermia, what can we do? Should I tell my friends? Etc. You can really find all the answers on the Internet.

Because of that we too wanted to share our experience and hoping to share with others like us. And to know they're not alone. That somewhere out there someone is going through the same situation and understand how it feels.

So I told my closest friends what we've been going through... And it's not easy.. As everyone have a different opinion... I thought that if I share my sorrow they can sympathized us and be our support.. So I stopped sharing.. The truth is.. The lesser the people know the better..

Not everybody will agree your decision.. Some says BE childless! It's god's will! Some says just keep on trying miracle does happen! Of course there are some who listen and hugs and just be there emotionally..

Be prepared. Don't expect an answer YOU want to hear. If you do, it's better to keep it between you and your husband.

The nightmare begins..

He did a blood test, there is still hope the doctor said. We hope it's not the factory that stops producing and it's just a road block and it's not allowing any swimmers to swim through..

Blood test. Results.

Called nurse. She said.. It's best I transfer you to the doctor... Dr yap said am sorry... I think it's best I schedule an appointment with the urologist for your husband..

Next week or so.. We're back at the clinic... Wasn't a pleasant trip to the doctors I must say..

Doctor was straight forward and blunt! Explained to us or more like.. asking us questions like we're a med student who supposed to know what's written on the results..

Basically, hubs think he wants us to give ourselves the bad news.

The factory has been bombed out. Those was the exact words from him. BOMBED. FINISHED. KAPUT. They are sending messages to the factory to produce more swimmers, but the factory isn't responding.

Doctor did give us some answers to my hubs life, why he is obese, why is it so difficult to have facial hair, why no armpit hair, why he is easily demotivated, and also why his testicles is not a regular size...etc etc etc.. it's because his body is lack of MAN hormones.. Hubs can go for some regular japs to get him some hair, but it won't help him produce any sperm.

Oh, we kinda found out why his factory has been bomb out. It's because when he was a teenager he had mumps ! and mumps is so dangerous, it does not just give you a swollen face, but it can bomb out your testicles! Yes, byebye swimmers. :~(

SO be careful, don't just write a 'tiger' on your kids face! see a doctor before it's too late!

June 2011, It started when we...

we went for a regular check up at the Sime Darby Megah Specialist, googled their site, and picked my doctor based on their photos! :) hehe.. to see if they look friendly to me. That's how i picked Dr. MJ Yap..

Walked in, and she asked, Yes, what's wrong, or was it Yes, how can i help you? So all i said was, we're trying to conceive and I wanna do a regular check.. So that's how she did a pap smear.. and asked my hubs to do a sample test. Oh, and she checked, and i was going to ovulate, agreed on a jap, and said it's to assist my body with ovulating, and said Good Luck, have plenty of Sex this weekend!

After a week or so, i seriously thought i was pregnant, i had all the pregnancy symptoms... well, i thought i had..

i got a called from the clinic to say that my papsmear results was fine.. But, they said, you need to come in for your hubs results..

I went to the clinic and she told me the news, i didn't think it was so serious.. or i wasn't thinking at all.. or i never have thought this is gonna happen to us.. She showed me the results.. and explained.. and .. i asked, so is it bad swimmers? No. is it no tail/lazy/abnormal swimmers? No. She said There are NO swimmers, circled the ZERO on the results, and tell me there is NONE. ZERO! and honestly, i was Laughing. LAUGHING OUT LOUD! She must have thought i went Bonkers!!

And i said ARE YOU SERIOUS, and i guess i'm not pregnant then.. :(