time will heal

Everything happen too sudden too quickly. But nobody is ready for bad news. We were never prepared for such news.

My hubs felt pressured by me for giving him an answer.. maybe because we were so ready to have a child and have been trying to conceive for almost a year, and then the test results came in etc.. my goal hasn't change well at least not yet... i was still determine to have a kid.. but i did not realised one thing.. my hubs feelings, he was devastated, and couldn't believe this has happened to him.. he needed time to digest.. and i wasn't making him feeling any better..

After that, i understood, and we went for a break.. to clear our heads.. no more TTC..

one month after next.. my determination of having a kid.. eventually.. made my right side of the brain think too much..

i started thinking of being CHILDFREE. yes, not CHILDLESS, but CHILDFREE! a decision we decide, raising one child will suck your savings dry, if you decide to have 3 kids, you are working everyday just to survive and put food on the table, but if we decide not to have any kids.. we can use that money to travel the world and do anything we want..

I had this calculation.. if you have a kid, you spend your next 30 years working to raise them.. and once they're old enough to build their own nest.. you're too old to see the world or broke to do anything.. But.. if you don't have a kid... the next 30 years, you can travel, you can buy things for yourself etc etc etc... you'll have your own freedom.

i had so many negative thoughts if we decide to have a kid.. after spending all your time and money on them.. once you're old, they might not even want to have anything to do with you, they think you're a burden, they have their own family, they complain and hate you.. urgh..

of course, this was just me, hubs still wanna have kids... but i wasn't sure any more.